Thoughts
by elphaba reincarnated
Summary: Elphaba's POV, Oneshot, Fiyeraba mentioned. Elphaba's thoughts at Shiz, then in the Emerald City.


So... this is an old document that I've only recently rediscovered hidden underneath piles of story beginnings (y'know, when you have an idea and you write it, save it, and never really go back to it?) and whatnot... Hope you enjoy it!

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Thoughts 07/28 (4th Month in the Term at Shiz):**

To…Whoever (Myself?),

I've thought long and hard about it, this thing called love. I learned from a young age that I'd never be so lucky to experience it. Love is for beautiful people. Beautiful people or beautiful souls. I'm neither. I'm green on the outside and internally… I don't even know. It's like pulling teeth to try to get me to talk about emotions. My own emotions, that is.

My father told me I'd be lucky to even have friends. He said the only way anyone would come close to liking me is if they were blind and had no former social contact. As you can tell, he was wonderful encouragement. I suppose he made me stronger in preparing me for the taunting and teasing. Or… maybe he made me callous. He told me that I don't feel emotion. He said that even as a toddler, someone would get hurt in front of me and I'd just watch. My mother would try to coddle me, I'd just sit there.

But I do feel… I just—I'm not like other people. Expressing things other than anger and opinions doesn't come naturally. I try, I really do, to be normal. But it's like there's a cement block encasing anything I feel inside. It's like I'm trapped. There's an imbalance. The only thing that's allowed to show on the outside is my mind. I think too hard, too much… It's paranoia.

It's complicated. I know what people think most of the time. I don't trust people because of their natures. Trust can make and break a person. I don't want to be broken. I let them know enough so that they're a bit more comfortable with me, but still, they don't know _me._It's like this: In my heart, if something makes me want to smile, I'll think about it before anything happens. My brain might tell me 'if you smile now, they'll think _this_ of you, stop now' or 'if you smile now, you can uphold your better-than-thou/bitter-smart-ass reputation, go ahead'. I've created a character: ElphabaElphieFabala the Delirious around a real girl named Elphaba Thropp. I just… wish that someone would see through this skin. Both this fake person and the green.

But I don't want anyone to know me in and out… I'd fall for them. If they died, were hurt… I'd die or hurt. And if they just left… I'd be absolutely broken. I know myself that well. I'd be so in love with them… but I still wouldn't be able to tell them that or stand that they know me so well. I just want to be normal, fair-skinned… but mostly…I want a soul.

**Thoughts 11/17 (5****th**** Year in the Emerald City):**

Dear Confidant,

He found me. Two months ago. The one I said that I'd fall for. The one that sees through my skin. The one who found my soul and my heart. It seems all too easy… it's going so well. He worries for me, and I for him. Perfect love, however illegitimately. Yes… illegitimately. He's married, did you know? Fiyero, the carefree tribal Winkie prince from Shiz, married. He didn't want it, if that justifies this affair anymore. He promised me that he'd never leave and do you know what? I trust him. I have to. I let him in and now he holds the cards (but I won't let him know that). Well... actually I may hold one card… I'm not absolutely sure, but I think I'm with child. I'm scared out of my mind… I'm 23 and a fugitive. I can't take care of a… No. I won't think on it anymore. I hear Fiyero on the stairs. But just to say it in words… I love him. I love Fiyero. Yes… it feels right on paper… maybe I'll be able to tell him as he tells me so often. He says he knows, but I want to tell him. Tonight… I'll tell him everything: that I love him and of my suspicions. Perhaps life will surprise me again with a pleasant reaction.

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I believe this is the first (and so far, only) time I've written anything that was strictly Elphaba, first person. Hmm...

Anyhow, I hope you liked it.

**_e.r._**


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